The holiday season is coming to an end, and the New Year is right around the corner. You turn to your left and see a couple gracefully ice skating. Meanwhile, you went down hard on the jagged, bumpy ice rink. It might have felt gratifying, and you still have your teeth, but having a warm hand to hold while gliding sure might have felt less embarrassing. You come to realize, there is only one thing missing: a relationship. If you are doubtful you’ll meet someone new, you’re probably reminiscing about revisiting an old relationship. Maybe this time things will be different. However, there are a few things to consider before going back in time.

Frosty Reflections: Is the Ice Smoother on the Other Side?

Getting back with an ex can reveal unanswered questions, bring back familiar emotions, and give you hope for a better run. This can be both good and bad. Before reaching back out to a past partner, reflect on why it ended in the first place. If you two are at different stages in life, think about whether your personal growth and well-being would truly change the dynamic.

Why Are You Considering Revisiting an Old Relationship?

If you are considering going back to your high school crush or someone you had a one-night stand with, this blog is not for you. Looking to reflect on that 6-month nightmare or 2-4 year relationship that died? Let’s reflect on why. Now, relationships aren’t for everyone. Some people would rather live on their own terms, make their own decisions, and simply live an independent way of life. If this is not your plan, let’s take a look.

External Pressures

Being single can expose you to social and individual pressures. Perhaps societal expectations or peer pressure play a role here. Friends, family, or cultural expectations to have a partner or rekindle a relationship can also. Nevertheless, these factors shouldn’t rush your romantic choices, ever. As an adult, you would know what’s truly best for you or your family. 

Unfinished Business 

Regret can eat you alive if you don’t find closure. This can be especially so if you were truly at fault. It is possible that feelings of guilt or remorse are not being addressed. If this is the case, you may fixate on revisiting an old relationship. Sometimes reaching back out to apologize years later may help you find relief. However, the butterfly effect may have already settled the storm.

Familiarity or Comfort

If you met that special someone at a dark point in your life and their presence brought you comfort, it can be hard to let go. If this relationship were long-term, your journey with that person may feel unmatched. It can be easy to yearn to run back. Remember, everyone’s story is different. The best part of life is “free will”. You have the choice to go back or try again with one of the 7 billion individuals out there. 

External Factors to Consider Before Revisting an Old Relationship

If you are thinking about reconnecting with an ex, you may want to analyze specific life circumstances. Long distance, timing, or convenience shouldn’t be your only deciding factors. Ensure you have a clear perspective before moving forward.

The Importance of Assessing Your Psychological Well-Being

Before going back in time, it’s best to assess your mental health. After all, a healthy you is the best gift you can give anyone. If you pick back up on an older relationship and your state of mind is not where it should be, you could not only put your mental health at further risk but also end up disappointing someone very special in the end.

Why? Research indicates that depressive symptoms, personal vulnerabilities, or external stress factors can disrupt your ability to adapt to inevitable relationship challenges. Major depressive disorder has been linked with poorer relationship outcomes. For example, if you are facing challenges with depression, you may experience issues with cognitive distortions. Therefore, your relationship may gradually decline over time, ultimately leading you to part ways. Maladaptive thinking patterns that can contribute to poorer relationship quality include the following:

• Expect your partner to be less inadenquatly responsive
• View your partner as less understanding or committed
• Overperceive your partner’s negative behavior
• Underestimate your loved one’s sympathy for your problems
• Expect rejection overall 

Impact on Family or Friends

Beyond assessing your mental health and well-being, consider how revisiting an old relationship may impact those close to you. If you did not come out of a healthy relationship, going back may not be the safest choice for your loved ones.

If your past partner has received professional help and you truly believe they have changed, that is a great first step. However, recovery from poor mental health or substance use disorders (SUDs) takes ongoing support and lifelong commitment. If your partner faces challenges managing their condition, you could put your family at further risk of enduring emotional strain, chronic trauma, or ongoing instability.

Look Back on Your Past Relationship

If you feel you and your partner are both mentally and physically equipped to try again, simply reflect on your past relationship. Think about what had worked and what had not.

Did you find it difficult to balance academics with relationship priorities? Bad grades and a strained relationship probably were not a good match. Was long-distance an issue for you both? Hugging your cellphone, sleepless nights, or trust issues may have caused unnecessary tension. Did you have financial problems or different life goals? Driving home with a box of Toasted Oats instead of Cheerios before your 9-5 mall shift may have left you with a sour taste in your mouth.

Personal Growth Since the Breakup

Now, think about where you are now. Assess your personal growth since your breakup to determine if trying again is a wise decision. Have you graduated from college or completed your tertiary education since then? Perhaps you moved back in town, and long-distance is no longer an issue. Maybe you got that big promotion and have established financial stability. If you both are on the same page and have aligned objectives, getting back together might not be your next biggest mistake.

What Are Your Relationship Expectations?

If you have both achieved growth in different areas of your life, you’ll want to understand your relationship expectations. What are you both in it for this time? What is your true motive here? If a good friend is asking you, “Why on earth would you go back to that?” you might want to ask yourself that first, then discuss the following with your  past partner: 

• Marriage
• Financial growth
• Parenthood
• Pet ownership
• Living arrangements
• Shared religious beliefs
• Retirement/future planning
• Travel or leisure

When It’s Better to Move Forward From Past Relationships

After all this time, if that special someone doesn’t meet your key priorities, think twice. If your past partner is still not ready to put a ring on it, has no desire to grow a family, but does not mind your dogs, and has a strong financial foundation for retirement, chances are, you are getting back on the wrong train. Don’t bother chasing the Polar Express ticket. Just let it blow away or get snatched by an eagle.

Rather, you both should consider your aspirations and level of self-respect. If you want marriage, kids, or a sober lifestyle, know when closure is enough. No one is perfect, but if maturity, patience, and stability are important to you, go get what you deserve! 

Practical Steps to Take if You Yearn to Connect

Alright, you’ve gathered the pros and cons of revisiting an old relationship. Went back in time to revisit the ugly and daydreamed about potential change for a greater future. If your ultimate decision is to reconnect, you’ll want to take it slow, keep your loved ones in the loop, and seek support as needed. 

If you are willing to give it a second shot, consider evidence‑backed & research‑oriented online programs to help rekindle broken relationships. Some online couples counseling programs or intensive online retreats that can enhance your ability to rekindle your broken relationship and make better relationship decisions include the following:

• Our Relationship
• Get Lasting
• PAIRS
• Gottman
• The Intentional Retreat

Thinking Carefully Before Making a Decision

I’ve never gone back, but if you support second chances in relationships, to each their own. If you are looking for a sequel to your prequel, better break in those figure skates before getting back on the ice. In other words, if you want things to go smoothly this time around, take a deeper look. Additional things to consider before revisiting an old relationship include the following: 

• Trust level
• Communication habits
• Parenting views
• Sexual compatibility
• Social life compatibility
• Holiday traditions
• Independence levels
• Emotional triggers
• Debt management
• Motivation for reconnecting
• Preparedness to accept failure